Memoir of Vanity



When I was a younger age, it was a bad thing to date women who weighed more than you. When I was younger, I didn't date very many women. I do remember when I was about to graduate high school. I was dating this girl named Jennifer. She was absolutely stunning! Everyone at school thought she was very beautiful. I used to get compliments all the time about how beautiful she was. People who didn't know me that well would think one thing, then they'd see me with her and think very highly of me. Hearing that confirmation from others was what I really needed to help my already low self confidence at that time.

Although, while we were together, there was a problem that I was struggling with unfortunately. I really liked women who were more thick or weighed more. And, well, Jen was 125 and a smaller girl. I knew that I wouldn't be made fun of or attacked if a dated a woman like that. So, I dated with her and thought that was fine. But deep inside, I wasn't truly attracted to her.

It took alot to live that lie but after we broke up, I went after the type of women that I truly wanted and haven't been with a skinny girl since then. As society has changed and I am around more black people who accept the type of women I like and find beauty in the ones I like, I am very happy about that. I have learned that it is best to go with what or who you want to date instead of who you should date. I don't ever again let that get into my judgement or my ability to make decisions.

I am much happier now and the only validiation I need is from myself. I did miss all the attention I got in high school back in the day for dating what was then considered beautiful but I think this is perfectly fine. It took a while to realize that you have to go with what you want. I do miss Jennifer and our relationship but more so than anything I am happy that I am able to be what I want to be and do exactly what it is I want. That is what it is to truly live, right?

-Magnicious

Children Marriage & Relationships

I still don’t have any children; I have never been in a rush for them. I did, however realize at a young age that having children too early can cause a detour in original plans. I talked to so many people have talked to me about their regrets in life. Saying how they had a child and all their priorities had to go towards this child thus they were unable to finish what it was they wanted to. Or they are getting killed by child support and they are unable to concentrate on themselves anymore.

I wanted to make it a goal to finish concentrating on myself and finishing my degree before I was able to pick up the responsibility of another woman and/or children. I’ve seen people enter marriage far too early and it end up with them not having any money. The whole thing ended in a disaster. I remember my friend Sean. He used to make fun of me for being my age and still being in the house. At this age, I was 21. He was 19 and moved out in an apartment to be with his girlfriend. They moved out together. They ended up (of course) getting pregnant and having a child.

He decided to marry his wife. They lived together and everything fell apart. He wasn’t able to provide for his wife. That’s a hard feeling not being able to do that. I saw their marriage first hand fall apart. I also think they just weren’t together long enough to know if they were right for one another as well. He is now divorced; he has custody of the child however.

I knew very well that I didn’t want that type of life. I see so many people entering marriages and I don’t know I just see so many ticking time bombs. He was working at Circuit City. Did he honestly think that was enough money to live off of for him and his wife? Why go into a marriage not all the way ready? How is someone fine with not having their degree before entering a marriage? How is someone fine with entering a marriage without having a stable job? How is someone ready to enter a marriage only knowing the person less than a year? How is someone fine with entering a marriage without first meeting members of the family they marry? All of these questions puzzle me day after day.

I just can’t drop my standards. I just don’t ever want to feel as if my wife’s income is ever crucial the marriage’s survival. I do feel that her extra income would be great. But I never want to be in a situation where her working is mandatory or the household will fall apart. Let’s not get it mistaken here; a woman has to have children. Not to mention those children may desire time with their mother. You as a man should allow for that time if necessary to always be an option.

I don’t understand how people enter marriages incomplete. I’ve seen so many marriages that are in financial ruin or two spouses that are not happy at all entering marriages like this. It’s something that I stand firmly behind and I have high standards for myself. People think it is infidelity and love that makes marriages work. Unfortunately their downfall is finances. That is the leading cause for marriages ending. That is also the leading cause for marriages failing. Far more than infidelity even though for some reason people tend to point towards infidelity and concentrate on it far more.

I learned long ago where to put my concentrated efforts towards and that were finances and ensure that those were not a worry. Most anything else you can make it through. Lastly, being married and having that time where it is only you and your wife. Not you, your wife, and children off the jump. I am not saying that children are bad. But you and your wife need bonding time before marriage. I’ve yet to see that happen in many of the marriage I have seen. It’s a reason half of marriages fail and that’s because most do not plan like I do.

I will say a female can influence you. She can impose her will on you and make you shake your ground and want to wavier on what it is you want to do. While, I have found myself being swayed women I still try to stay grounded. It’s a path that I have seen revealed to me and I know I must follow it. I feel as if God himself has shown me this path and I need to stay on it. I know it is a Divine fate of mine and for me to have this drive, this motivation to do things the way I do. I know that there’s a spiritual belief behind this drive.

-Magnicious

Financial Stability Loans & Debt

I learned at a very young age to beware of credit cards and/or loans. I learned how not to use a credit card on anything that will not increase in value in the future. Although, this logic wasn’t one I acquired quickly. When I was younger when my father lost his job they ended up falling into crazy debt. They were living off of their credit cards. They use to overdraft their account all the time. This was the normal way of life apparently.

When my dad use to tell me about how he wanted to get out of debt and how they owed so much money I knew this wasn’t the life for me. I use to look at the bills and see the amount of interest they owed. It was a perpetual cycle. If you paid the minimum balance you’d never pay it off. It’s like someone saying, “I’ll loan you $150, you pay me back $300.” What is this mentality? I figured, am I the only one who understands how absolutely silly credit cards are?

I knew then, that I would not ever get a credit card. I don’t care how I pay for something; I wouldn’t use a credit card. If I did not have the cash to pay for it, then I could go without it. To date, I’ve never had a credit card. I have obtained everything I have ever received without using credit. I don’t ever plan to use it in the future.

I saw all my peers around me buying cars on credit, buying video games; having quite a bit of things they wanted on credit. However, that wasn’t the path for me. The path for me was clear cut. That was to show people that one could make it without relying on credit. I know people tell me that I need credit in the future.  I will attempt my best to make it through. The average debt of an American is $10,000, none which I want apart of.

I paid for my first car with money that I earned out of my pocket. I did not use any student loan money; I did not use any loans. I used money that I saved up on my own to accomplish this. It's been a testament to make it this far without having to use loans or any type of money I have to pay back.

I suppose one big thing that I just have to get over; unfortunately that I did not calculate in all of this is me finding a woman who is not in debt. I think that’s a very difficult task to do. I know I would pass over so many amazing women if I had a mentality like that. It is a little unfortunately my sacrifices do however seem all for naught if I end up with a woman who owes credits cards and/or student loans (something I’ll touch on another day) and I have to end up helping her pay her debt off.

I haven’t really found many people with the mentality that I have. I’ve yet to find anyone my age who doesn’t owe anyone. I just feel that my way of thinking is that of an extremist type view. I can’t help but feel compassionate about the way that I do feel. And I hold on to it, and I won’t let go until it bleeds. What is bad is, even if it costs me the girl of my dreams, even if it means that I must take the embarrassment of being an adult still living at home in my late twenties to avoid this fate. I stand firmly behind what I believe.

-Magnicious

Memoir of stability

This is a site where I am talk about the memoirs of things that have changed me over the course of my life and my way of thinking. Just different defining event that made me change the way I thought. My first memoir, is about stability; let’s go back to when I was around 12 years old. My father bought a house in Morristown Tennessee. My family and I moved over out there. I was just beginning to find myself I should say as I was going into my teenage years.

At this time, I wasn’t into Internet very much. I was into video games quite a bit. We made the move and I remember being outside of the house. I remember my sister coming outside and telling me that my dad lost his job. I never knew the impact that would bring to us all. He wasn’t really able to find a job. It was a major struggle. What confuses me about this time was this was the time when the economy was at its peak.

However, slowly but surely things began to change. My parents barely had any money at all. We didn’t really have much food in the house. I started going to school and at first they paid for my school lunch. As time went on, they stopped paying for it. I would just go to school every day without any school lunch. I got friends, and when they’d want to go out, my parents would never have money to give me to go out with them.

New video games would come out; my parents would never have the money to buy them for me. They would continually tell me to be happy for what I have and to be humble. I tried, but as I went over to other people’s house, and their parents just bought new games as they came out. I only got them during my Christmas and Birthday and usually only one game. My parents rarely took us to go eat out. They did not have the money. This was during my most defining teenager years, this period lasted from ages 13-16.

I knew this wasn’t going to be the life for me when I got older. I never quite understood why my parents were content for so long not having much money. Things did get better when my mother got a job our final year at Morristown when I was in 8th grade. However, the damage to me had been done. Too many times of feeling embarrassed that because my parents didn’t give me money to go out with my friends and I had to sneak in movies when no one was looking. Too many times that I didn’t have lunch money to eat every day at school.

During my 9th grade year, I discovered how to download music and burn it onto music CDs. Once I learned that, it was like crack at school. All the kids wanted me to make them a music CD. While, my parents were doing better, my dad got a job in Atlanta and my mother was working, they still didn’t really give me lunch money or anything. However, I charged people $5 a CD to make a CD. My sister and I around this time also opened up a website making CDs as well. A great majority of the money came from making CDs for friends at school. This money I obtained, I was able to go and pay for my own lunch, I was able to pay for snacks at school, etc. I felt like my own destiny was in my hands. I finally was able to have my own money. This would be the first time I ever tasted money that I myself made.

I’m not saying that I hate them for this or anything. But it caused me to get on my grind. It caused me to want a job immediately as I became the age. As soon as I turned 14 I attempted to apply at Kroger, McDonalds, anywhere that would hire me. Unfortunately, that did not work out. I finally moved to Georgia around 16. I applied like crazy and finally got a job. I was very happy that I got my own job. When I made money, I tried to be as self-sufficient as possible. While there were times like when I ran up my phone bill to $600 going over the minutes, or a few other disasters that have happened in my life, I have tried my best to survive off my own money.

I made it my priority to never be in that situation ever again when I grow up. It’s a major reason why I have made sure that my degree (Computer Information Technology) is as versatile as possible. I want to go back an extra semester to get a degree in Health Informatics (Healthcare IT) so that I will have even more options to me.

But I can’t live that way. I would go out of my mind if I never had money to do the basic things I wanted for that long. I feel that I would also want to try to have as many sources of income as possible. Although, it is a bit hard to stay focused on doing that in a perfect world that is what I would want to do. I am learning to never be at the will of one income source. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again and I have been getting money from different avenues as well. Just one of the memoirs I remember that changed my life & way of thinking.

-Magnicious